To non-cycling fans, I’m Lance Armstrong

It always amazes me how something I take for granted is a major thing for other people. Cycling is a sport where fitness can be improved gradually and you can travel great distances with relative ease.

To non-cyclists, the thought of cycling 50 miles is met with disbelief. Why would someone do this for fun? I think this first occurred to me when someone at work was discussing the London to Brighton bike ride in aid of the British Heart Foundation. To them, it was a major obstacle and something to be worked towards. For me, it would be a pleasant spin out in the morning.

I suppose it’s a similar perception to running the marathon. I personally think marathon runners are mad but that’s because I don’t run.
I tried to run last week and it resulted in me barely being able to walk for 2 days. I guess cycling’s for wimps who can’t run….

A night on the tiles....

I'm pretty sure the puncture fairy visited my bike whilst I was asleep last night. Came out to find a front puncture and some glass embedded in the front tyre.
It was either that or my bike went out drinking last night, touched up someone's bird and got glassed.

Playing it safe

I’ve got a dilemma.

This year, I set myself 2 challenges:

1) Get a racing licence and enter some races.
2) Cycle to Paris.

I had a chat with a coach. I got a funny look from passers by as I stood in the National Express station in Victoria and not much of a response, so I contacted a cycling coach who also happens to be a member of my club. This was a good move as he offered me some advice.

It would seem that I’m at a fork in the road and I need to make a decision. Basically, I need to set some clear goals for myself, based on what I want to achieve.
Racing requires short, sharp efforts and to work at a higher speed for a shorter distance.
Touring/long sportives require long, steady endurance efforts.

I think that in my current state, any training is good but it does mean that I won’t be focusing on one area and this may affect my performance but I need to hit both my goals this year and then decide my future in cycling after that.

I had set myself the target of racing on 20th March. I think that I will be ok by then on a fitness level but my concern is that I only own one bike at present and if I cause/get involved in a massive pile up, I could be walking to Paris in June.

I have a dilemma but now I also have a solution. I need a second bike, a race bike………

Training Day (no not the film….)

I think the weather gods hate me. Wednesday – sunny, Today – sunny. Thursday (my day off) – wet, cold and miserable. I could have wimped out but then I asked myself. “What would Lance Armstrong do?”
Lance would man up and get out there in the rain, so that’s what I did. I left my house, to cycle, when it was raining. It’s the first time I’ve ever done it. That’s commitment for you and in the words of the late, great Roy Castle, “dedication’s what you need if you wanna be a record breaker.” I don’t exactly want to break any records (unless Jedwood bring another one out) but you get the idea.

I wouldn’t say it was my most inspiring ride ever but at least I was out. To celebrate my awesomeness, I had a bit of lunch and then went out to the gym. That’s right – a double training session. A 20 minute run followed by a bit of indoor cycling, capped off with a steam room, sauna and Jacuzzi session (because I’m worth it).

Now gyms are not my favourite place but they do give good opportunity to people watch. Aren’t people that go to gyms fat??!! I know I’m no Ethiopian but after looking at my fellow gym mates I concluded that:

1) Some of them must only have joined that day.
2) If not 1) they must have been enormous before joining the gym.
3) I had the whitest trainers in the place.

My favourite person from the gym yesterday was the young guy who arrived after me, was in the Jacuzzi before me and then decided to eat his meal deal from the bakers in the changing room afterwards. You my friend are a hero. Reward yourself for those 100 calories that you burned with a 600 calorie lunch.

His sandwich did look nice though…….

Foetuses - they don't know that they're born

Kids are stupid. It's a well known fact. I witness this kind of child stupidity quite often, especially in my 2 year old son who will always do the exact opposite of whatever I say, more often than not, when I say something along the lines of "don't climb on that" or "don't eat that" or "don't touch the remote control when Daddy's watching football and it's a penalty shoot out...."
This is why kids need guidance and I don't think it's particularly easy to be a child these days. I mean, sure you can shit your pants and get away with it more than an adult could but what kind of aspirations can you have?
With my public speaking ability, I'm pretty confident that I will get called upon some day to give career guidance to kids. I've had a few jobs in the past, often through no choice of my own but experience in the work place all the same and I am willing to share this if asked and I will pass on my advice to you should you ever find yourself in a career guidance position.
I think that it's important to put yourself in the position of the child, which is why I would probably eat some rice krispies, being careful to ensure that I leave some in my hair. Then I would more than likely piss myself as I'm leaving the house and have to get changed again.
What kind of advice can these would-be professionals receive? Well, I think it's essential to be realistic and one of the first lessons I've learnt in life is disappointment. The best way to provide this necessary feeling is by telling the kids that they're all going to Disney world and then tell them that they're not. This is quite a good one to use at home if you have children yourself. You can always add something along the lines of "well, we would have gone but remember when you were naughty that time 3-5 weeks ago?" This teaches other important lessons like, anger management, guilt control and is an excellent way of providing discipline.
So, what kind of jobs do kids want to aspire to today?
Bank manager? The banking industry is on it's arse, you can't expect a bonus and the general public hate you.
Doctor? Nurse? Underpaid, overworked, constant cuts and the probable risk of an early death through MRSA, I wouldn't fancy that.
Police Officer - A Vauxhall Astra as a company car, silly day-glo uniform and no gun with the probability of being shot by a 5 year old crack head. Sounds nice.
Teacher - constant fear of accusations of molestation, the need to wear tweed. Err no.

I think that the best advice for kids these days is to join the dole queue. That way, you can watch as much Jeremy Kyle as you like, eat rice krispies all day, get a free flat, shit your pants whenever you want and generally live in squalor without the pressure of normal life. Where do I sign up?

Forgive me father, for I have sinned

It’s sometimes too easy to get into something and neglect what your body’s telling you.

I think, in my rush to get fitter and race to be the best cyclist this world’s ever seen, I’ve overstretched myself.
Getting up early to exercise is a good thing. It makes me feel fresher and makes me feel good about myself but this morning I was just too tired.

So, why am I rattling on about it and moaning like a baby? It’s the guilt. My usual start to the day where I feel good before I’ve even left the house has now been replaced with guilt that I broke my training regime and I’m a lazy fat sod.

It’s only one day you may say but what if this is the start of things to come. Is this how obesity begins? I’ll have a day off today and then tomorrow it’ll be “just one cream cake won’t hurt…”

Before I know it, they’ll be removing the side of the house to take me to the hospital.

I’m gonna waddle off home now and get my fat ass back on that bike because I’d rather have pain than anguish. I wonder if the bakery is still open……..

My religion says I must eat today….

Today in the UK we have our annual tradition of “Pancake Day” or “Shrove Tuesday” for the religious types.

It’s a day to feast before Ash Wednesday and the period of Lent. I will state this now - I am not a religious person but I do like a good excuse to eat and if it’s tradition and unholy not to eat, those suckers are getting consumed.

And so, the choices for pancake toppings - I think there is a law somewhere that dictates that a least 1 pancake should be topped with sugar and lemon. In fact, I think there is a passage in the bible that dictates it (New testament, Rik Waller, chapter 4, verse 15 – And thou shou eateth thy pancake with the joyous addition of citrus fruit with sugar cane…..)

I don’t really think savoury options should be considered at all. It’s just not cricket.
One of my personal favourites is to thinly slice a Mars bar and melt that into the pancake. Try it, you won't be disappointed (or thin any more).

Needless to say, tonight will be full of calories. I can just hear my other half now, “How many more of those are you gonna eat?”

“Oh, it’s alright love, I’m carb loading……..”