Life Enhancements

Over the last couple of years that I’ve been cycling, I’ve gotten better at certain things. Some things you would expect, like fitness, cycling up hills and lung capacity but I don’t think they’re necessarily things to be proud of.

Some things in life are worth sharing and I love a good boast.

Blowing snot out of my nose
This is an absolute must for any fitness fan. It demonstrates that:
1) I am working hard enough that my body can’t cope with the amount of fluid that I’m creating and so I need to manually clear it myself.
2) If I wanted to, I could be at home in bed because I could pass as having a cold, but I’m tougher than that so need to be on my bike.
Blowing snot isn’t the easiest of things, it takes practice. In the early days, there could have been some times where things went slightly wrong and I could have had “snotcicles” hanging from my nostrils. I am now at the stage where I can project snot sideways for a couple of metres. Now that’s impressive.

Riding no handed
Anyone can ride a BMX or mountain bike no handed but it takes guts to ride a racing bike no handed. I once went 28mph down a hill with my hands off the bars and only last week, I managed to take a flapjack out of my pocket, unwrap it and eat it whilst in the no handed position.
My friend has the best claim though – he can change the lenses in his glasses. Show off.

Descending Hills
I don’t actually think I’ve got better at descending hills, just more reckless. I get down hills a lot quicker now. Lycra does not offer adequate crash protection so it’s best not to think about it and just let go of the brakes.

Fixing punctures
As a kid, my BMX would go whole summers languishing in a heap with a flat tyre until my Dad had time to change it. These days, I fix my own punctures and I’ve got it down to around 15 minutes, although at that time, one puncture could still cost me the yellow jersey in the Tour de France.

Eating
I thought I could eat loads before I started cycling but now, I can eat even more and have a series of excuses to back up my greediness.

Reading
WHSmith love me. I am the reason that they’re still in business. If I can’t cycle, I want to read about cycling and that means I read a lot of magazines. Maybe if I spent less time reading about cycling, I’d be better at the actual sport.

Spending
You’d think that a man riding a bike would be pretty cheap but I am on a mission to make it as expensive as possible. I buy into every gimmick and advertising ploy and love a good unnecessary purchase. Carbon fibre pedals, got them. Carbon fibre mini pump, check. 8,000,000 spare inner tubes, you bet.

Internet surfing
See “Reading” and “Spending”.

Hiding
See “Spending”. Sometimes a carefully hidden purchase prevents fallout at home. Anne Frank has a lot to learn from me.

Languages
On some rare occasions, Eurosport aren’t showing live racing and I need to know how that Belgian classic race is going. Online video sharing is a necessity for any cycling fan to get a fix. Sometimes, the commentary isn’t in English. I now understand some Flemish. Melaaiken doeiker (you sneaky bastard).

I can’t wait to see what else cycling brings me……..