Unfinished business.

It’s me again. I know it’s been a while since we last met but I’ve been struggling to get you out of my mind.
When we were first together, I think I underestimated you and didn’t quite live up to your expectations of me. I’m sorry. I wish things had been different and I had been more prepared but I just wasn’t ready.
Since we last met, I’ve thought about you often. I can’t say every day because that would be a lie but images of you have come into my head from time to time. It bothers me that I wasn’t enough for you and that our relationship failed early on.
I needed to see you again, to make things right between us…..
Click. Click. Click. I should really get this bottom bracket fixed but I’m too lazy. The sound helps to reassure me. It’s familiar and familiar’s good.
The route’s familiar too, it should be. I ride it most weeks. Today though, there is something different. The monster is back. Nemesis.

I’ve had such a great year, especially with my cycling but there’s one thing that I’ve failed at and it’s really bothered me. I tried cycling up this hill a few weeks ago and although I pedalled the whole way before, I stopped for breath and that felt like cheating. I needed to come back and clear the demons. Make right my failures.

It’s hot outside and after last night’s beers, this really isn’t the best day to try something like this but I just needed to get out. I wasn’t planning on riding Nemesis but it just sort of happened and sometimes, those days are the best.

I’m taking it easy, too much of my riding of late has been for a purpose or a goal and I’m missing the natural joy that pedalling a bicycle brings. I reach the top of Nemesis and look down at the road that I’ll be crawling up very soon. The butterflies in my stomach are back.

This is pathetic. It’s only a hill, but it isn’t. 1 mile of relentless asphalt with a gradient of 20%. It’s not about the physical anymore, it’s about what this climb represents. Success and failure. The past and the future.

I freewheel down and turn around in the cul-de-sac to the side of the road that marks the beginning of the climb.
I pause and compose myself. This is it.

My revolutions start slow and measured. I took things for granted last time and was too arrogant. I click through the gears as the road lifts towards the sky. I feel comfortable.
I’m in my bottom gear now and I can no longer stay seated. The hairpin’s getting closer, I weave left and right as I crawl up, like an ant on a lion’s back.

I pass the mark where I stopped last time and I can almost see myself there struggling for breath. How weak I looked as my chest heaves in and out. I gave up too early but that was before and this is now.
I still can’t sit down, it’s too much for my legs. I try but manage a couple of revolutions before my thighs start to burn. I want to stop, I really want to stop. This is relentless.

I know I’m getting closer to the end, I’m definitely near the end but it doesn’t take away the pain. I still want to quit but it would be stupid to now. The worst is almost over. And then, I see it. The Give Way sign that tells me I’m 100 yards from the end and this pain is nearly finished.

Breathe. Breathe. Deeper. I’m there. I’ve made it to the end of my misery.

I continue to spin my legs as I move away from the top of the hill. It’s over. I did it. The weight’s been lifted………. Finally, closure.