To non-cycling fans, I’m Lance Armstrong

It always amazes me how something I take for granted is a major thing for other people. Cycling is a sport where fitness can be improved gradually and you can travel great distances with relative ease.

To non-cyclists, the thought of cycling 50 miles is met with disbelief. Why would someone do this for fun? I think this first occurred to me when someone at work was discussing the London to Brighton bike ride in aid of the British Heart Foundation. To them, it was a major obstacle and something to be worked towards. For me, it would be a pleasant spin out in the morning.

I suppose it’s a similar perception to running the marathon. I personally think marathon runners are mad but that’s because I don’t run.
I tried to run last week and it resulted in me barely being able to walk for 2 days. I guess cycling’s for wimps who can’t run….

A night on the tiles....

I'm pretty sure the puncture fairy visited my bike whilst I was asleep last night. Came out to find a front puncture and some glass embedded in the front tyre.
It was either that or my bike went out drinking last night, touched up someone's bird and got glassed.

Playing it safe

I’ve got a dilemma.

This year, I set myself 2 challenges:

1) Get a racing licence and enter some races.
2) Cycle to Paris.

I had a chat with a coach. I got a funny look from passers by as I stood in the National Express station in Victoria and not much of a response, so I contacted a cycling coach who also happens to be a member of my club. This was a good move as he offered me some advice.

It would seem that I’m at a fork in the road and I need to make a decision. Basically, I need to set some clear goals for myself, based on what I want to achieve.
Racing requires short, sharp efforts and to work at a higher speed for a shorter distance.
Touring/long sportives require long, steady endurance efforts.

I think that in my current state, any training is good but it does mean that I won’t be focusing on one area and this may affect my performance but I need to hit both my goals this year and then decide my future in cycling after that.

I had set myself the target of racing on 20th March. I think that I will be ok by then on a fitness level but my concern is that I only own one bike at present and if I cause/get involved in a massive pile up, I could be walking to Paris in June.

I have a dilemma but now I also have a solution. I need a second bike, a race bike………

Training Day (no not the film….)

I think the weather gods hate me. Wednesday – sunny, Today – sunny. Thursday (my day off) – wet, cold and miserable. I could have wimped out but then I asked myself. “What would Lance Armstrong do?”
Lance would man up and get out there in the rain, so that’s what I did. I left my house, to cycle, when it was raining. It’s the first time I’ve ever done it. That’s commitment for you and in the words of the late, great Roy Castle, “dedication’s what you need if you wanna be a record breaker.” I don’t exactly want to break any records (unless Jedwood bring another one out) but you get the idea.

I wouldn’t say it was my most inspiring ride ever but at least I was out. To celebrate my awesomeness, I had a bit of lunch and then went out to the gym. That’s right – a double training session. A 20 minute run followed by a bit of indoor cycling, capped off with a steam room, sauna and Jacuzzi session (because I’m worth it).

Now gyms are not my favourite place but they do give good opportunity to people watch. Aren’t people that go to gyms fat??!! I know I’m no Ethiopian but after looking at my fellow gym mates I concluded that:

1) Some of them must only have joined that day.
2) If not 1) they must have been enormous before joining the gym.
3) I had the whitest trainers in the place.

My favourite person from the gym yesterday was the young guy who arrived after me, was in the Jacuzzi before me and then decided to eat his meal deal from the bakers in the changing room afterwards. You my friend are a hero. Reward yourself for those 100 calories that you burned with a 600 calorie lunch.

His sandwich did look nice though…….

Foetuses - they don't know that they're born

Kids are stupid. It's a well known fact. I witness this kind of child stupidity quite often, especially in my 2 year old son who will always do the exact opposite of whatever I say, more often than not, when I say something along the lines of "don't climb on that" or "don't eat that" or "don't touch the remote control when Daddy's watching football and it's a penalty shoot out...."
This is why kids need guidance and I don't think it's particularly easy to be a child these days. I mean, sure you can shit your pants and get away with it more than an adult could but what kind of aspirations can you have?
With my public speaking ability, I'm pretty confident that I will get called upon some day to give career guidance to kids. I've had a few jobs in the past, often through no choice of my own but experience in the work place all the same and I am willing to share this if asked and I will pass on my advice to you should you ever find yourself in a career guidance position.
I think that it's important to put yourself in the position of the child, which is why I would probably eat some rice krispies, being careful to ensure that I leave some in my hair. Then I would more than likely piss myself as I'm leaving the house and have to get changed again.
What kind of advice can these would-be professionals receive? Well, I think it's essential to be realistic and one of the first lessons I've learnt in life is disappointment. The best way to provide this necessary feeling is by telling the kids that they're all going to Disney world and then tell them that they're not. This is quite a good one to use at home if you have children yourself. You can always add something along the lines of "well, we would have gone but remember when you were naughty that time 3-5 weeks ago?" This teaches other important lessons like, anger management, guilt control and is an excellent way of providing discipline.
So, what kind of jobs do kids want to aspire to today?
Bank manager? The banking industry is on it's arse, you can't expect a bonus and the general public hate you.
Doctor? Nurse? Underpaid, overworked, constant cuts and the probable risk of an early death through MRSA, I wouldn't fancy that.
Police Officer - A Vauxhall Astra as a company car, silly day-glo uniform and no gun with the probability of being shot by a 5 year old crack head. Sounds nice.
Teacher - constant fear of accusations of molestation, the need to wear tweed. Err no.

I think that the best advice for kids these days is to join the dole queue. That way, you can watch as much Jeremy Kyle as you like, eat rice krispies all day, get a free flat, shit your pants whenever you want and generally live in squalor without the pressure of normal life. Where do I sign up?

Forgive me father, for I have sinned

It’s sometimes too easy to get into something and neglect what your body’s telling you.

I think, in my rush to get fitter and race to be the best cyclist this world’s ever seen, I’ve overstretched myself.
Getting up early to exercise is a good thing. It makes me feel fresher and makes me feel good about myself but this morning I was just too tired.

So, why am I rattling on about it and moaning like a baby? It’s the guilt. My usual start to the day where I feel good before I’ve even left the house has now been replaced with guilt that I broke my training regime and I’m a lazy fat sod.

It’s only one day you may say but what if this is the start of things to come. Is this how obesity begins? I’ll have a day off today and then tomorrow it’ll be “just one cream cake won’t hurt…”

Before I know it, they’ll be removing the side of the house to take me to the hospital.

I’m gonna waddle off home now and get my fat ass back on that bike because I’d rather have pain than anguish. I wonder if the bakery is still open……..

My religion says I must eat today….

Today in the UK we have our annual tradition of “Pancake Day” or “Shrove Tuesday” for the religious types.

It’s a day to feast before Ash Wednesday and the period of Lent. I will state this now - I am not a religious person but I do like a good excuse to eat and if it’s tradition and unholy not to eat, those suckers are getting consumed.

And so, the choices for pancake toppings - I think there is a law somewhere that dictates that a least 1 pancake should be topped with sugar and lemon. In fact, I think there is a passage in the bible that dictates it (New testament, Rik Waller, chapter 4, verse 15 – And thou shou eateth thy pancake with the joyous addition of citrus fruit with sugar cane…..)

I don’t really think savoury options should be considered at all. It’s just not cricket.
One of my personal favourites is to thinly slice a Mars bar and melt that into the pancake. Try it, you won't be disappointed (or thin any more).

Needless to say, tonight will be full of calories. I can just hear my other half now, “How many more of those are you gonna eat?”

“Oh, it’s alright love, I’m carb loading……..”

Frog's legs and snails....

“Why are you doing that? Why don’t you just get the Eurostar like everyone else?” This seems to be the response of most people when I tell them how I’ll be spending 3 of my days in June.

For some time now I’ve wanted to do a cycling challenge but everything that usually seems interesting usually involves a huge fee or fundraising effort, which is why I was pleasantly surprised to see that some like-minded individuals on BikeRadar had decided to organise a cycling trip to Paris, off their own backs and at a price that didn’t require that I sell body parts to fund it.

London to Paris, approximately 300 miles in 3 days is the challenge and at present there will be 23 of us doing it, each and everyone with their own reasons. Some for charity, some for recovery, some for the beer and some just because they’ve got nothing better to do.
I guess I’m doing it for the challenge and for something to keep me motivated. Come June, there will be nowhere to hide. I don’t want to be “that” guy at the back complaining that I can’t hack the pace or that I should have trained harder. I would much rather be “that” guy at the bar, drunk with an inner tube tied around his head playing air guitar. “That” guy sounds fun. Maybe I should buy “that” guy a drink and we could hang out together. If you are “that” guy, bell me up and we’ll do lunch – a liquid lunch.
And so the work now begins. I must train harder so that I can show those Frenchies how us Brits roll (downhill in someone else’s wheel…..)

Somebody needs to alert the French media and tell them they're about to witness a cycling display that they haven't seen since Tommy Simpson tackled Mont Ventoux. Oh wait, Tommy died ascending Mont Ventoux.......

Pavement Physics

I’m fortunate enough to live close enough to my work that I can casually stroll in rather than mix with the cattle on public transport (8 minute walk if you’re asking).
This morning I was walking along only to feel a presence close by, that sort of feeling you get when you know someone is too close. I turned my head just to see what was going on and it was some guy walking about a foot behind me.
After a few seconds it dawned on me, this guy was obviously drafting me! Well, that changed everything. If this random stranger felt the need to conserve energy, then I was game to give him a tow.
I kept the pace steady but after some time started to tire so flicked the elbow for him to come around. The bastard didn’t even flinch. Now, I don’t mind doing my stint on the front but if someone wants to get a free draft off me and doesn’t want to play the game, that’s a different story. Sure, the guy may have time trialled from the crossing to get on my foot and I appreciate some recovery time following an effort like that but this guy was taking the piss.
There was only one thing for it, I had to drop him.

But where? I formulated a plan………..

We emerged from the underpass and Cadel (as he’s now dubbed) was still there, getting a free ride. The pavement started to rise and that’s when I let him have it, I kicked and started into a trot. He tried to follow but couldn’t hold on…..

I arrived into the office hot, sweaty but victorious and that’s a scent people can’t help but admire. I felt I needed to explain myself.

“Excuse my sweaty, out of breath appearance guys but some strange man was sucking my toes the whole way in…….”

I don't care what the weatherman says.....

I’ve got a secret that I’m gonna share and to some of you, this could come as a bit of a shock.

Even though it may seem harmless and lets you walk over it all of the time…. tarmac hurts.

Last week, I decided to go on a little Sunday morning training ride. The weather report said that the temperature would be around 0 degrees all day. Now, I’m not a fan of weathermen (I’m a fan of a certain ITV weather girl called Becky Mantin but that’s another story). I wouldn’t say that if I were to meet a weatherman in the street, I would become aggressive but I do think that they are a bit smug for what is really an educated guess at what the climate has in store for us on any particular day. I will also put this out there too, I could probably cycle up a hill faster than most weather people. Fact.

Seeing as I am almost a pro cyclist and untrusting of the weather people (Becky, don’t include yourself in this trust issue if you’re reading this – which you probably are), I decided to venture out to get the old limbs a’ turning.

7 miles in and it’s a bit nippy but there’s no apparent danger, when all of a sudden the back wheel whips round and hell’s gonna break loose. My first thought was, “ninja attack” but then it became clear that the culprit was a section of black ice masquerading as tarmac. In this particular situation, I was able to use my skill to fall in a heap beside my bicycle whilst still clipped into the pedals.

Morale of the story: tarmac/pavement/road is as deadly as slapping a cobra round the face and calling it a retard.

This fall and resulting aftershock in no way contributed to the earthquake situation in Haiti. If you even suggest that it did, I will find you and make you bitch slap a cobra.

There's a 5.45am??!!

Last week saw the arrival (via my club) of my British Cycling Licence.

For those of you unfamiliar with cycle racing, to enter most races, you require a licence which the good folk at British Cycling charge a whopping £30 for. I was, at this price, expecting my gold plated licence to appear with a personal note written by Bradley “The Modfather” Wiggins himself.

How dismayed was I to find that it actually arrived in Blue Peter format (cut here, stick here, laminate this.) After about 30 minutes I had a fantastic model of Tracey Island but there was no way I’d be allowed to sign on at a race meet.
There was a note with my licence though….. from Joyce at the club wishing me the best of luck with the 2010 season. Thanks Joyce, can’t wait to see you beating up Lance on the Col du Tourmalet in July.

This monumental moment in my life bought great excitement at being able to race with the other kids but also great realization, “I AM GOING TO BE RACING THIS YEAR….”

In the words of Spiderman’s uncle, “with great power comes great responsibility.” I think he knew the significance of a category 4 racing licence. We’re not talking about something as minor as passing a driving test and wielding 4 wheeled death machines…. This is cycle racing, on a closed circuit, with other people, on bicycles.

I must admit, it’s tough. Along with the worry of training (I now have to get up at 5.45am to “get the miles in”), I also have to consider the ethics of everything I eat in case WADA knock on my door at 2.00am to wake me up for a random drugs test.

This whole life as a pro rider is starting to get to me already. I hope carrots are on the banned substance list.......

First Impressions

Ever had that feeling where you don't quite know what to say to people?

How do you start to begin to explain yourself to people who you have never met and are probably never likely to meet?

I guess it's best to start with a little bit about myself. I'm 28, I live in South London, England and this year I decided to stop letting life pass me by and try to experience life more and leave a mark, a lasting impression or an imprint that would prove that I was part of this whole cycle of life.

If I had to summarise myself in one word, it would have to be "fickle." Odd choice you may think but it's been said to me more than once. That's not to say that I don't have other more endearing qualities, I just think that this one particular word describes me best.

I'm one of those people who has an interest in many things.... for about 5 minutes.

My fickleness leads me onto why I named this blog "aspiring rouleur." This week's fad is cycling, although, I have proved many people wrong and have been into the sport for about 2 years now.
I guess rouleur describes the rider and person I want to be. My body, head, heart and riding style mean that I will never be a climber in cycling or life but I am more than happy to be someone who is a generally good all round person. Is it wrong to aspire to mediocrity?

I am not quite the person or cyclist I want to be yet, hence the aspiring part but am willing to share my experiences with you and hope that you will enjoy my life as much as I do.

There will be ups and downs, so if you've got a seat belt handy, I would suggest buckling up. I do not know where this is gonna go but it is gonna be emotional so stay seated for the duration of the ride......